It’s All About Them
Dale Carnegie started out teaching people how to give speeches. As a result of his teaching, he wrote How to Win Friends and Influence People, which may be the first self-help book ever published. (It’s still selling big time.) I just read a blog by Chris Brogan that made me think of Carnegie’s “Six Ways to Make People Like You.” They are:
- Become genuinely interested in other people.
- Smile.
- Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
- Talk in the terms of the other person’s interest.
- Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
I always like Carnegie’s advice, and I highly recommend his book to many of my clients. I just wish it didn’t sound so manipulative to me. “I’ll make you feel important,” it seems to say, “and I’ll do it sincerely so you’ll like me.”
Brogan’s posting echoes Carnegie’s rules 1, 4, and 5. Like Carnegie Brogan makes a point about focusing more on the other person in a conversation than on yourself. But he does it without sounding calculating, which I like.
In situations where you’re talking with others, do your best to talk more about them. Learn about them. Ask questions. The smartest people are those who plumb the depths of the other person, and come away knowing them deeply. We seem to fear, as humans, that the other person in a situation won’t hear us. We get worried that we’ll leave a conversation somehow unequally.
Strangely, the most “important” people (in at least the public business sense) I have ever met in my life have all asked me more about myself, and even with me trying hard to turn it around, they were gracious and interesting and still worked hard to know more about me than themselves.
The same advice applies to giving a speech. Which sounds strange I know, because a speech seems to be more like a monologue than a conversation.
But here’s what’s important to remember about giving a speech: It isn’t about you. It isn’t even about your expertise. It’s about your audience and how they can benefit from what you say.
As you prepare you speech, you have to listen to your audience, doing as much research as possible about them. Who are they? What do they already know and feel about your topic? What are their problems, concerns, interests, goals? What do they have in common? What makes them different? Why are they gathering? What do they want? It’s hard, in my opinion to find out too much about your audience.
Before your speech begins, talk with individuals in the audience. Don’t just stand off to the side of the room or sit quietly somewhere. Shake people’s hands as they come in. Introduce yourself. Ask them about themselves.
And as you’re speaking, listen to their body language. Invite their questions and really listen to them. (Don’t simply use their questions as a jumping off point for what you what you wanted to say anyway.)
Make your speech as much like a conversation as possible, listening as deeply and authentically as you can to the people you’re addressing, and I guarantee you’ll give a better speech.
The goal of a speech isn’t — or shouldn’t be — to make your audience marvel at what a great speaker you are. The goal of a great speech is to make them marvel at what they’re capable of.
Who are the speakers you admire most? Why?
Tags: Chris Witt, executive speeaking, Leadership Speeches, Public speaking
February 22nd, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Chris,
First, huge congratulations on the book launch. Your approach to that which underlies effective communication is dead on.
Your mention of Dale Carnegie’s “Making People Like You” as well as Chris’ riff on a similar dynamic very much hits home. I’ve just had a back-and-forth as a result of yet a similar post I did on the importance of “Like-ability” when it comes to one’s ability to influence. Someone took umbrance with the notion of needing to be likeable and asserted that her competence was all she cared about. Her take on life: “If I am really good, then people should listen to me.” She is correct: they probably should. However, her edginess and the edginess of those she cited as contemporary “experts” is a bit disturbing. I’ve watched for some time now as a generation–perhaps more–of newer workers eschew the notion of relational communication. While I am as fascinated and swept up as they are in the techno-world, I’m also watching client organizations experience difficulties as a result of the “competence/technology” god.
Fact is, I’ve seldom seen anyone in normal economic circumstances lose their jobs because of technical incompetence regardless of the specialty. It is almost always due to an inability to “get along with” other people.
No matter how you want to package it, that means “likeability.”
Keep writing…
February 23rd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Steve,
I can’t agree with you more.
People often get referred to me by their bosses not because they need to be more technically competent, but because they need to be more people smart, more likeable. They defend what they’re doing using words that sound a lot like those of the person you quote: “I’m right / smart / good [choose one]. People should do what I say.”
I think the word “should” gets people trapped. It’s unhelpful at best. To say people should listen to me because I’m right sounds a lot like a kid saying that the world should be fair or that people should be honest or that bad things shouldn’t happen to good people. Yes, yes, yes, you’re right. But part of growing up and living in the real world is coming to terms with the fact that things and people are not as (we think) they should be.
In the real world the right decisions don’t always get made. The smartest ideas don’t always get a fair hearing. And the best proposals don’t always get adopted.
In the real world people are much more likely to support and cooperate with your ideas, suggestions, and initiatives — if they like you.
I usually ask such people, “Do you want to be right / smart / good, or do you want to get the right / smart / good thing done?” There’s a difference.
(Let me make it clear, so I don’t get pounded for it, that doing away with the word “should” does not diminish the need to uphold ethical or professional standards, policies, or behavior.)
P.S. Steve, I love your blog. Keep it up.
March 10th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
I found your topic “Life After PowerPoint! » Blog Archive » It’s All About Them” when i was searching for life policies and it is really intresting for me. If its OK for you i would like to translate your topic and post it on my german blog about life policies. I link back to your topic of course!
March 11th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Feel free to post it on your blog. I’m glad you found it helpful.
Best, Chris